A Better Me by Gary Barlow

Author:Gary Barlow
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Blink Publishing
Published: 2018-09-16T16:00:00+00:00

I’m a great rubbisher of things. I’m quick to say, ‘I’ll never do that. It’s rubbish.’ This goes way back. I remember Jason, when he started eating seeds, what most people would’ve called Trill back in those days, after a brand of birdseed. We certainly did. ‘Look at Jay pecking at his Trill,’ and just thinking he was mad. We once all gave him a big industrial juicer as a birthday present because he really wanted one like a kid really wants the latest Lego. It was expensive and weighed more than a small Fiesta, but he seemed pleased.

Jay had taken these two girls on to cook for him on the Progress promo tour of Europe in 2010. We were in Milan. All the girlfriends were off shopping.

Someone wondered about the weather. ‘Don’t think it rains in Prada.’

I’d pounded the gym and was there, eating cornflakes with skimmed milk, drinking black coffee, cracking on with the usual miserable breakfast. Meanwhile, Jay was eating like a king. He had eggs, avocado and, blimey, was that a sausage? Jason had been using these two cooks, Jasmine and Melissa Hemsley, on the road now for a while. They always cooked if he had dinners round at his house and when we travelled they’d brief the hotel chefs on how to cook for him.

Being the great rubbisher, I called the two girls Mel ’n’ Kim. ‘That sausage is not health food. Where’s your seeds?’ We all ribbed him a bit; since he’d starting working with these two extremely attractive women, he always reeked of garlic.

For New Year’s Eve, 2010, a family flew us all out to entertain their house party in Barbados. I took my Mum and Emily with me. Jason brought out Mel and Kim. Given they were meant to be health chefs, the Rubbisher clocked that they drank a lot that New Year’s Eve, which made me like them even more.

I was interested in these girls. I was sounding them out; very quietly, obviously. Outwardly I rubbished away as normal. ‘Ey up, here come Mel and Kim.’

We were all staying in a house together and these two were telling the chef what to cook. There was a lot of chat about butter. They weren’t like any health gurus I’d ever met before.

I knew I was going to be doing The X Factor so I was going to be on telly all the time. I was ready for the next step because I wasn’t solving it on my own. I wasn’t putting weight on but I wasn’t losing it either, despite all the working out. Telly is cruel. There’s nowhere to hide. There’s no airbrushing.

I mentioned to Dawn that I was considering getting Jason’s mates, Mel and Kim, to take over my food.

‘And what does that entail, exactly?’ she wondered.

‘Oh, just that they will deliver every single thing I eat. It’s going to be a busy year, makes sense.’

‘Great,’ Dawn said, rolling her eyeballs.

Another fad diet from the man who’s the bloody king of ’em.

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